The best Hey Arnold fanfic Ever Written
by Quexinos
Summary: Helga decides to take Lila into her own hands. Rated R for gore and corse language. Evenryone should be happy with the ending. Read and review... if you feel like it


**The Best Hey Arnold Fanfic Ever Written**  
By **Sonique Hedgehog** with too much time on her hands  
  
This story was inspired by a fanfic by Mysterious Hedgehog. It's meant to be silly BTW I don't think this would ever happen. The story contains language, and voilence, and other really stupid things that took me 20 minutes to write. It also probably has a lot of spelling errros because I'm a lousey speller and didn't spell check. Hope you all enjoy, especially you Arnold/Helga fans =D  
  


  
    Helga stood behind a tree watching her beloved Arnold from a far. He sat next to Lila on a picnic bench, totally in awe by her nice nature and other stuff that makes most HA fans sick.  
        "LILA!" Helga remarked in hatred, "What does he see in that whore? She's just a goody goody two shoe bitch who's taking advantage of my poor Arnold, whom I can never tell my true feelings for."  
  
    "Lila, you're so much nicer than anyone at our school. Especially Helga, I mean I like her sometimes, but other times, she's just a stupid witch, jerk faced doodoo brain who calls me football head for no reason."  
    Lila seemed upset, "Arnold, I'm ever so certain I don't like you talking about other people like that. It's not very sophisticated."  
    Arnold covered his mouth, "I'm so sorry, Lila, that just slipped out."  
    "I'm ever so certain that she likes you likes you, anyway."  
    "Yeah right, Helga hates me." Arnold replied rolling his eyes.  
  
    "Hmm..." Helga thought, "I have to get closer and see what they're saying," she tip toed to a closer tree.  
  
    Lila sighed.  
    "What is it, Lila?" Arnold asked concerned.  
    "Oh, nothing..."  
    "You can tell me."  
    "Well I'm ever so certain I need to ask you a favor," she remarked innocently.  
    "What Lila? I'll do anything."  
    "Oh, Arnold, never mind."  
    "NO! Tell me!" Arnold insisted.  
    "Well, it's just my dog has been lonely latley, and she's been acting funny."  
    "You want me to take care of her for a while? I'd love to..."  
    "Well not so much that," Lila inturupted, "She's in heat Arnold."  
    "Okay..." Arnold was confused.  
    "And she needs someone to mate with, to get it out of her system."  
    "One of my dogs?"  
    "No, Arnold, she's too big for your small dogs..."  
    "Abner?"  
    "No, not a pig Arnold, someone more man like...."  
    Arnold stood up in shock, "Lila, I'm not going to have.... intercourse with your dog. That's just plain wrong and rediculous! I'm sure you can..."  
    Lila now also stood up in anger, "FINE ARNOLD! I thought you liked me, but I guess not. And I was going to kiss you..." she began to walk away but Arnold stopped her.  
    "WAIT LILA!" he screamed. "Maybe I can do it! I've never done it before, but if I buy some books, or get advice or something... maybe then!"  
    "So you'll do it?" Lila turned around flashing him her irresistible smile.  
    "Sure Lila," he smiled back.  
  
    "WHAT?!" Helga screamed in shock and disbelief.  
  
    Lila sat back down and sighed again.  
    "What else is wrong?"  
    "Well, it's just I'm ever so sure, I need some money."  
    Arnold nodded, "Sure Lila, how much do you need?"  
    "A million dollars.."  
    "WHAT?!" he freaked.  
    "I need it Arnold, for my family. If you're not interested fine!" She got up in a huff and began to storm away, btu again Arnold stopped her.  
    "WAIT LILA! I'm not really oblidged to do this, but I could always... try and sell the boarding house..."  
    "Oh, Arnold!" Lila hugged him.  
  
    "WHAT THE HELL?" Helga screamed then covering her mouth quickly. "What is the matter with that stupid foot-ball head? Fucking dogs and selling his home for that tramp? NO WAY! I must save him... but I don't know how..."  
    "Hello, Helga." A familiar voice called from behind.  
    "Oh, hey Phoebes."  
    "IS something wrong?" Phoebe asked, slighly worried.  
    "Well it's Arn... I mean.. IceCream again."  
    "You're still thinking about Icecream?"  
    "Not so much that. But I feel as if... someone... might be taking advantage of Icecream."  
    "Is that so?"  
    Helga nodded.  
    "Well, Helga, perhaps it's time to forget Icecream..."  
    "BUT I CAN'T!" Helga screamed again.  
    "Well then, perhaps you have to try and let Icecream know you care and get rid of what's taking advantage of it." Phoebe suggested being fully aware they were talking about Arnold.  
    Helga nooded in approval, "You're right!" she replied as triumphet music started playing, "I must help Arno... I mean Icecream! It's time!"  
    Phoebe gave the thumbs up, as Helga head off to set her plan into action.  
  
    Later:  
  
    "Wow, Lila, you're so sophisticated."  
    "Oh I know Arnold, I go to opera, ballet, and I never even think about masturbating."  
    Arnold's eyes widened, "WOW! Even I masturba..."  
    "Hold it right there," Helga came storming up!  
    "Helga?" Arnold asked surprised.  
    "Hello, Helga, it's ever so sweet..."  
    "Oh don't ever so sweet me! YOU," Helga pointed to Lila, "should be ashamed of yourself. Taking advantage of Arnold like that!"  
    "Helga, stop it!" Arnold warned.  
    "I WILL NEVER STOP! NOT until you see her for the bitch that she is!" with that, she pulled out a chainsaw from her backpack, turned it on and without warning, whipped it at Lila, sawing her worthless self in half. Blood and guts splattered everywhere and everyone at the park turned to watch in shock. "HAHAHAHHAA!" she turned the chainsaw off.  
    For a while people just stared then began applauding and cheering in approval!  
    "HELGA!" Arnold exclaimed, "How could you?"  
    "Because, Arnold! I like you like you! I love you in fact! I'm completely in love with you! AND YOU are gonna learn to like it, football head!" she stated sternly.  
    "How can you say you like me when you just killed who I like liked?"  
    "Wise up, Arnold! You were about to sell your house and fuck her stupid dog!"  
    Arnold blinked, "Hey waitaminute! Lila doesn't have a dog."  
    Helga rolled her eyes.  
    "And.. now that I think about it, that was kind of dumb of me saying I was going to sell the house!"  
    "There you see? That's what I was trying to tell you!" Helga exclaimed.  
    "Wow, Helga! You really are a nice person like I always thought. All this timeyou were just trying to tell me what an idiot I was for not liking you, when obviously I had no chance with Ruth, and Lila was a dumb bitch!"  
    Helga smiled, "EXACTLY!"  
    Arnold stood up and hugged her, "Thanks so much, Helga!"  
    Helga blushed, "Ahh.. haha, don't mention it..."  
    "And after all this, I can't help but like like you a little... or even a lot!"  
    Arnold and Helga then hugged again, and were about to kiss when...  
    "Arnold, what in the hell are you doing?"  
    "Huh, Gerald? I was just talking ...."  
    "What are you doing hugging Helga G Pataki? I mean come on! I can see shaking her hand maybe.. but hugging and almost kissing? What is wrong with you, I can't believe..."  
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! At that moment, Arnold turned the chainsaw back on and chopped Gerald in half.  
    "ARNOLD!" Helga remarked surprised.  
Arnod turn the saw off, "Well he was annoying me and being a total loser, much like Lila."  
    "Oh, Arnold!"  
    "Helga... my one true love," the two then embrassed, followed by a deep long kiss.  
  
    Arnold's Grandpa and Grandma watched from afar.  
    Grandpa smiled, "Reminds me of when I was a lad and you chopped in half my girlfriend."  
    Grandma giggled blushing a little, then embrased her husband.  
    Arnold and Helga later on got married and had several kids, ending in a continuous Arnold/Helga loop.  
  
THE END!  
  
Hey Arnold and all related characters are copyright Nickelodeon and Viacom. Used without permission.   



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